Andreas Salcher formulates clear,
sometimes provocative commandments for enriching friendships.
Using touching stories, he shows concrete ways of rediscovering the magic in old friendships and finding new friends at every stage of life. Because the "art of friendship" is the most beautiful task in life. It starts with being a good friend to yourself.
Reading samples
Justin and Patrick from Idaho have been friends since childhood
At 16, Justin suffers a rare autoimmune disease that paralyzes more and more parts of his body and confines him to a wheelchair. While watching television one day, he gets stuck on a report about the Camino de Santiago. The presenter says that many people don't even plan to walk it themselves, but are called by the Way of St. James. At that moment, a crazy idea pops into Justin's head. He wants to do exactly this old pilgrimage route, in his wheelchair. He tells his friend Patrick about his vision. He listens carefully: Pyrenees, very hilly, sometimes steep terrain, rapid weather changes from sweltering heat to pouring rain, a total of 769 kilometers. Then Justin asks him: "Would you like to do this tour with me?" Patrick replies: "Yes, I'll push you."
It's not easy to imagine the pictures of Justin and Patrick without having to fight back tears. Justin, lying helplessly strapped to the aluminum wheelchair like a piece of luggage, and Patrick, pulling the 150-kilogram vehicle through the mud with his muscle power in the rain. Whenever they think they can't go any further, unexpected helpers turn up, other pilgrims or residents in the villages.
This is not a story about the Camino de Santiago or about disability, it is a story about a friendship that overcomes seemingly impossible boundaries. It reaches the highest level that friendship can reach. It gives meaning to their lives. Patrick and Justin complete the Way of St. James in 34 days.
Our shadow - the biggest threat to our friendships
Some people think that what they have done wrong for 30 years is experience."
Mulla Nasrudin
What is the "shadow"?
C. G. Jung: "The shadow is everything you are, but definitely don't want to be." The shadow area is a part of our personality that we detest so much that we do everything we can to unconsciously hide and deny it. Nevertheless, feelings such as "Others are much more successful and happier than me. Why do I have such a hard time in life?" or "I'm not good enough, that's why nobody really loves me". As we fear that others might discover our shadow, we put on masks that help us to deny the existence of our dark side. However, as these are still naturally present within us, we project them onto others, our partners and our friends.
The concept of the shadow is therefore introduced at the beginning of this book so that you can focus your attention on yourself in the right places while reading. Only when we understand where our own part in failed friendships lies will we be able to do better with existing and future friendships. The statements of a good friend behind your back described above are perhaps a first indication of your shadow. In the section on the nine commandments of friendship, there will be stories that particularly appeal to you or that cause you to disagree. This is a good time to change your perspective and ask yourself: "What does this have to do with me?" Suddenly a story can take on a different meaning for you.
Working on your own shadow is not a one-off effort, but it is a worthwhile one, as psychologist Debbie Ford puts it: "Your whole life will change when you make peace with your shadow. You no longer have to pretend to be someone you are not. You no longer have to prove that you are good enough." Accepting yourself with your shadow instead of being ashamed and punished for it is probably the most challenging task in life. We don't usually need a therapist or spiritual teacher to do this work on ourselves. We do need other people for this. A friend to whom we open the window to our inner longings and fears at the right moment is often a good start.
The supreme discipline of the art of living
Once we have learned to see ourselves lovingly, we need not fear the encounter with ourselves, whenever and wherever it takes place. There are always plenty of opportunities for this. Taking advantage of these requires a special skill: looking gently at our own lives.
At best, friends can support each other in becoming a good friend to themselves. Then there is a transformation from the originally archaic need to idealize relationships to the mature understanding that there is someone who accepts and acknowledges us as we are. This is the path to peace of mind and an inner home. At the end of this path is a house. When we open the door, we meet our most important friend, who will accompany us for the rest of our lives. Making friends with ourselves is the supreme discipline of the art of living.
Being a good friend to yourself means always being able to hear your own inner voice in the loudest confusion of other voices and following it even when the other voices threaten, tempt or manipulate us.
Being a good friend to ourselves means being able to see ourselves as we really are, no better, but also no worse. Because only when we see ourselves as we really are can we begin to imagine how we could be.
Being a good friend to ourselves means accepting those parts of ourselves that we cannot change and instead focusing with inner passion on narrowing the gap between the person we are and the person we could be.
Being a good friend to ourselves means never losing sight of our big dreams and trusting that there are powers within us that we cannot even imagine.
Being a good friend to yourself means being grateful for the many opportunities that present themselves every day, not overlooking them thoughtlessly, but savoring them with joy.
Being a good friend to yourself means taking all the time in the world for yourself when you need it.
Being a good friend to yourself means being able to laugh at yourself without devaluing yourself, but as a loving path to self-acceptance.
Being a good friend to ourselves means having the courage to show our true friends our vulnerable sides, and they will love us even more for it.
Being a good friend to ourselves means understanding that we can't be a good friend to ourselves every day without feeling punished or ashamed.
Being a good friend to yourself means never forgetting that we have the capacity to love and that there is a lot of good in us.
